He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
