Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
