All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was born a porn star she said
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
