Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
