Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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