Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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