I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
