life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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