i think my tv is drunk
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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