He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
