He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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