he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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