thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
