I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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