She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
