He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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