I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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