you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I fill condoms, not promises.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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