if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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