I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
