If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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