meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
