Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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