My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
