I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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