You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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