I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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