You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
