The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
