You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Houston, we have a blender
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
