I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
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the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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