Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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