Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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