i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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