Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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