"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
