My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
