so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
