I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.