I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
