we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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