I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
