The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
