So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
