remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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