All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
