Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
