At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
