I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
