my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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