I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
two words...techno handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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