Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
