I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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