Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
