Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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